One of the benefits of the pandemic, if I may be so bold, is that it afforded us a few months when nobody told us what to eat. There was a brief period in time while we all feared for the things we held dearest, when the media didn’t treat dinnertime like an active war zone between the neighbouring aisles of the supermarket.

Unfortunately, meat is back on the chopping board as “experts” extract themselves from the woodwork and test out their soapboxes. And they are not shy about predicting the demise of the humble livestock farmer. Apparently meat is on the precipice of a major disruption from plant-based alternatives (a.k.a. Fake meat) which are supposedly very close to being “delicious” and cheaper than meat. We farmers are getting the full Video Killed the Radio Star treatment. 

As we all know, there hasn’t been any radio since MTV’s cocky launch in 1979, debuting with the aforementioned song. There has also been no cycling or equestrian activities since the advent of the motor vehicle and no one has used a ballpoint pen since the typewriter.

I said so and I have a doctorate, so therefore you can now report that “experts” question the continued existence of bikes and biros.

Let’s take a quick break from the nonsense to perform a little thought experiment. I want you to think of something that you once used regularly that is now obsolete. Think fax machines, long drops, teletext, the rolodex, slide rulers, punch cards, penny-farthings…whatever it doesn’t really matter what it is. Now, dig deep and ask yourself why you don’t use that thing anymore. Was it that a cheaper alternative of the same thing came along? Or was it that a better experience came along? This “expert” is picking that it was the second option.

There is no price point at which I would want to go back to an analogue camera. Compared to a digital camera, it was a very poor experience. I am not filled with nostalgia for the two trips to the pharmacy to receive a random selection of poorly composed photographs that are already warping under their own weight. The person behind the counter silently judging my life choices 24 frames at a time.

Likewise for rewinding the clunky VHS video tape or hearing the shrill chorus of dial-up internet cutting through a phonecall. I am struggling to come up with any examples of food that has gone the same way as the floppy disk. There are a few confectionery items where accountants have pulled the pin on production. Perhaps sugar-free chewing gum disrupted sugar-full chewing gum? Maybe? I don’t know. But, I do know that sushi didn’t kill sandwiches. Every year exciting foods break into the kiwi cafe scene. Pita pits and poke bowls. Vegan-this and gluten-free-that. Candied crickets and crumbed tofu. As far as I can tell this has all been absorbed into the diverse range of eating experience with no casualties.

If left to the same market forces, precision fermented protein, lab-grown meat and processed-plant meat-alternatives are likely to do the same. That is, if they can nail down a good eating experience at an acceptable price point, which should be considered the prerequisites for survival rather than step 1 and step 2 of “how to kill the meat industry”.

Of course, there is a lot of worrying ideology bubbling away behind the fake meat products and the way they are marketed. But, then again, the Seventh day Adventists have a near monopoly on the kiwi breakfast via Sanitarium and Kellogs and it doesn’t seem like it helps forward that particular ideology. We’ll take the Weet-bix, but ignore the assertions that eating grains will prevent masturbation.

I asked some vegetarians if they were excited about the fake meat breakthroughs on the horizon. It was a fairly muted response. The ones that I politely cornered felt like they were already well catered for by legumes and fungi and other natural foods that were not pretending to be meat. Many of these are already delicious and as cheap, if not cheaper, than meat. It’s all the same stuff that you would find in a standard omnivorous diet. Portobello mushrooms make a good filling for a burger and, at $16-$20/kg, they retail for similar prices to beef mince. Falafel is slightly pricier at $25/kg. Jackfruit, a plant grown in the tropics which I can attest tastes a lot like pulled pork, retails in canned form for a tincy wincy $4.80/kg. Wait, that’s so cheap and delicious, how come we farmers didn’t even notice its arrival? Beans and legumes appear to be the staple of the vegetarian/vegan diet, and also any budget-conscious omnivorous diet, these retail for $2.60/kg in canned form and even less if buying in bulk dry form.

There is also tofu (processed soybeans) for $11/kg and quorn (processed mycoprotein and egg) for $28/kg. For balance, we will also consider bargain basement precooked meat sausages for $8/kg. Are we really certain that they aren’t vegetarian? Precooked bangers are tasty enough so how come consumers continue to step out on $30/kg beef and lamb cuts or open their wallets for $70/kg salmon?

In fact, the vegetarians that I talked to admitted to occasionally still eating salmon because salmon cravings are real and grown adults are free to eat as they please. That last bit should be shouted from the rooftops. Eating what we like is one of the few virtues of adulthood and that is something that all of us, whatever we choose to eat, can work a little harder to defend in the midst of “experts” who casually discuss population wide dietary restrictions. Putting that to one side, as long as we farmers continue to provide our consumers with the experiences that they crave, there will be feet in gumboots for years to come.